| "We want our stockholders and any regulatory board to know that the repurposing of our assets to Dick Island, from moving ground crews of our extensive building projects to Dick Henchmen, to changing our oil well firefighters to Lava Control Techs, is solely for the good of the company and our new bottom line," stated soon-to-step-down CEO of Halliburton, David Lesar. When a reporter asked what the new bottom line was, he was taken out back and shot.
"We are also happy to secure Dick Island as Cheney's new liar and I am more than happy to become his Number 2," continued Lesar after the bit of reporter ugliness. "From our biotech labs to develop sharks with lasers on their heads to Cheney's Happy Hunting Grounds, where he will hunt the most dangerous prey, our new headquarters will be bastion of evil dicksterity any international corporation will be envious of."
The shocking news hit hardest for President George W. Bush, who is now in a desperate search for a replacement as his Vice-President. Though a spot in the White House is usually the cornerstone of any political career, even the hungriest politico realizes that ship is sinking faster than a bag of puppies weighted down with burning tires.
"I am just as surprised as you are," said President Bush in his usual despondent state. "All I got was a good-bye letter and an invitation to come quail hunting once Cheney gets Dick Island completed. And that I should come alone."
Though Halliburton's specific plans, for what is being called Phase 2 in company memos, are not known, every Houston-based employee has received a loyalty-test package containing a red henchmen outfit and a cyanide pill with a request to choose either or.
"Well, their procurement orders have drastically changed," says President of Longhorn Chow Supply, who has been supplying the sub-standard water and food for troops in Iraq. "They ordered 50 tons of meat tailored for massive lowland gorillas, enough cod to feed a thousand sharks, vitamin-packed gruel with antidotes for nuclear fallout and most shocking, was their request that we start air dropping all supplies onto Dick Island."
When asked why they are not receiving seaport shipments or visitors to Dick Island, Lesar said any attempt to come to Halliburton's new headquarters would be "extremely foolish, even for a man like James Bond."
A Cheney spokesmen, speaking from a new even more undisclosed liar, said there was no coincidence in the break-in at a secret lab in West Virginia were a very sophisticated exoskeleton body armor complete with missile and laser weaponry went missing and the expected move of Dick to his island. This suit, developed under the codename: The Emperor's Clothes, just happens to meet the exact dimensions of a finely tailored suit for one Dick Cheney. Even more shocking was that the wallet of Scooter Libby was found at the scene of the crime.
All attempts to contact Vice President Cheney went unanswered, as he is gathering nubile virgins from every major industrial country, stealing futuristic weapons from Area 51 and assembling vast array of secretly trained otters. Yes, otters, who purpose and goals are yet unknown to the public at large.
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