They better not build that mosque down by Ground Zero, we're being told, not just because it's insensitive, but because we have no idea what they'll be up to down there.
I mean, where did the money come from?
Who does this Imam hang out with, anyway?
And, at a time when our Nation faces more threats than ever, why would we let these Muslim madmen situate their "terror command posts" anywhere?
Well, I don't know about all of that...but I do know a place where lots of these Islamic terrorists go to obtain the equipment and supplies they need to support their particular craft, and I decided to make a bit of an undercover visit to the spot, so that I might "observe and report" on what goes on at this specific location.
So put on your dark glasses...and let's go see what we can find out.
WASHINGTON, DC, April 10, 1865 (FNS)-The Civil War ended yesterday with the surrender of General Lee's Confederate Forces to Ulysses S. Grant, the Union Commander, at Appomattox.
Although most observers are generally happy with the surrender, many of President Obama's most loyal supporters are livid with the Commander-in-Chief because of the concessions he made in order to obtain the future support of the Southern Senators who will rejoin the body when the next Session begins.
At a media event this morning, Press Secretary Dick Timoneous expressed the President's hope that the formerly Confederate Members of Congress are looking forward to changing the political culture and steering the Nation in a better direction:
"It's time for the opposition to realize that what really matters is putting America first. The President is certain that by offering some concessions now, Southern Senators will look beyond their own parochial interests and do their part to move this process forward."
I betcha Louie Gohmert and Sarah Palin did not realize that their hysterical invocations of Hitler when bellyaching about President Obama's demands to BP have brought the Evil One back from the grave.
Hitler is back and he is foaming at the mouth with rage. It looks like Hitler's ghost is going to haunt Smokey Joe and his GOP for a very long time.
Brighton, Colorado (FNS)-Attorneys from the Republican Study Group (RSG) descended upon the 17th Judicial District courtroom of Judge John T Bryan today to present an amicus brief and associated oral arguments in order to prevent a settlement in a lawsuit related to an automobile accident in this Colorado city.
The intervening attorneys claim the settlement reached between the two parties to the accident is a "shakedown" because the plaintiff had not yet exhausted all possible legal remedies when the agreement was finalized, and because the agreement was executed in the presence of the plaintiff's brother, a well-known local attorney.
They hope Judge Bryan will decline to approve the settlement in today's hearing, and that he will order the parties to move forward to trial.
"What we have is government transferring property from one party, an admittedly unattractive one, to others, not based on preexisting laws but on decisions by one man, a car czar", said Crush Mimbaugh, attorney for the RSG, "and we are here today to protect all Americans from this legally sanctioned rape of an innocent driver."
Honestly, I am absolutely sick of commercial air travel these days. Just dealing with security is bad enough, but then there's the airlines, and...hey, all you really need to know here is that there has to be a pretty good reason for me to fly cross-country.
Well, I had one Saturday night, which is how I came to be in the Colonnade Room of the Fairmount Hotel, Washington DC with about 250 of my closest friends, in a classic shawl-collar tuxedo, attending one of the most exclusive "passing of the torch" ceremonies in recent Washington memory.
And when it was all over, Douglas Feith was a happy man.
Baton Rouge (FNS)-Facing both a massive oil slick from a sunken offshore drilling platform and a second year of declining tourism revenues along the Louisiana Gulf Coast caused by high gas prices, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal today introduced a new tourism promotion that he reports is going to "...make lemons into lemonade".
Jindal, flanked by British Petroleum's Director of Marketing Dick Timoneous and the Executive Director of the Louisiana State Tourism Board, Jenna Talia, announced that the "All The Oil You Can Carry Festival" would officially commence today just east of New Orleans, and last at least through the month of May.
Bob Johnson over at Daily Kos is excited to announce his new job as a Commandant of one of the President's FEMA secret detention camps. There are openings available for other positions at Bob's FEMA camp so interested parties should check out his diary for details.
Good news! I just landed a gig as commandant at one of Obama's new, top-secret FEMA detention centers! My center is currently under construction at an undisclosed location. When completed, it will house up to 3,000 dissenters, primarily Tea Party members, who will be rounded up at rallies set up by Tea Party infiltrators.
The camp will be staffed by guards from SEIU and ACORN. Detainees will be indoctrinated in the glories of socialism. Reverend Wright will be the chaplain at my new center!
Granted, most of the detainees will end up being old, fat white men, but they will all be put to work on our Peoples Farming Cooperative where they will carry out tasks like planting (Red) Chinese herbs and vegetables while taking daily courses in everything from "Sign Spelling Basics" to "The Dignity of the Proletariat" (taught by guest instructor Bill Ayers!) to "How to Use Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Soap for Everything from Showering to Washing the Dishes."
I will be taking applications for staff positions in the coming weeks, and I hope to hire many folks from Daily Kos.
New York (FNS)-In an effort to help dispel concerns of racism, Terri Stocke, President of the Second Amendment March, agreed to coordinate with members of the Reverend Al Sharpton's National Action Network and the Reverend Jesse Jackson's Rainbow/Push Coalition in an effort to encourage more members of the Black community to bear arms and to carry them publicly.
In return, members of the Black community have agreed to flood the 2nd Amendment March, scheduled for April 19, 2010, in Washington, DC, with hundreds of thousands of heavily armed residents of Chicago's South Side and New York City's Harlem and Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhoods.
"We hope that the Black community understands that 2nd Amendment rights apply to all Americans" Ms. Stocke told the crowd outside Mr. Sharpton's offices.
Verona, Italy (FNS)--Joseph Ratzinger, also known as Pope Benedict XVI, was arrested and released early this morning by Italian police near Pescara, Italy, following allegations the Pontiff attempted to engage an undercover police officer in sexual activity in an Autogrill restroom in the City.
The Carabinieri (the Italian National Police), had been staking out a restroom at the Martina Gas Srl, located near the Abruzzo Airport, following complaints over a period of several months.
"Signore Ratzinger was arrested at 0245 hours Thursday morning", reports Ministry of the Interior spokesman Harry Paratestes, "and he was released on his own recognizance pending an appearance before the corte d'assise on a date yet to be determined."
Governor, lately you've been pitching, twitching and puffing a lot of hot air about secession.
Texas is a real unique place all right and the Governor is a major contributor to its uniqueness.
Come on Governor, put your money where your mouth is. Just do it. Leave already. You can take all of your worshipers, i.e. secessionists, teabaggers, Birchers, birthers, racists and xenophobes with you.
Hit the road dude.
Leave, dude. Voters are the meanest old women you will have ever seen. You won't be packing any of our money with you when you leave, either.
But you can, Sir, help yourself to all of the creationism, witchcraft and voodoo science text books that you and your supporters put in our schools in yet another endless crusade of right wing conservative efforts to dumb down the children of Texas.
I'm sure you all will find a cozy place to establish a new Republic, Governor. Hell, Sir, you could name your new territory the New Republic of Teabagistan, Secessistan or Birchistan in honor of your strongest supporters. Below is a little reminder to help you sort out the guiding principles of your new Republic.
This would be a perfect time for you to leave Governor. After all, Bill White, Houston's former and very popular mayor raised $2.2 million last month. So far he has over $9 mil in his war chest.
There has been a great wailing and gnashing of teeth over the past day or so as those who follow the healthcare debate react to the Stupak/Some Creepy Republican Guy Amendment.
The Amendment, which is apparently intended to respond to conservative Democrats' concerns that too many women were voting for the Party in recent elections, was attached to the House's version of healthcare reform legislation that was voted out of the House this weekend.
The goal is to limit women's access to reproductive medicine services, particularly abortions; this based on the concept that citizens of good conscience shouldn't have their tax dollars used to fund activities they find morally repugnant.
At first blush, I was on the mild end of the wailing and gnashing spectrum myself...but having taken a day to mull the thing over, I'm starting to think that maybe we should take a look at the thinking behind this...and I'm also starting to think that, properly applied, Stupak's logic deserves a more important place in our own vision of how a progressive government might work.
It's Political Judo Day today, Gentle Reader, and by the time we're done here it's entirely possible that you'll see Stupak's logic in a whole new light.
It's become more or less common knowledge that US forces have been using music as an operational tool for some time now, and I've begun seeing lists of the songs that are being used either to inflict pain, to demoralize, or to just generally disorient various people in various sorts of situations.
There are others, wiser than I, who will opine as to the questions of efficacy and the moral issues surrounding these kinds of operations; I will opine, instead, as to the quality of the songs used.
Frankly, had anyone asked, I could have put the torturers onto much better musical choices, just by selecting from my own "My Music" folder--which left me thinking: "hey, it's the weekend...why not do exactly that?"
Got any psychological warfare missions planned for the weekend? Expecting to have to direct amplified sound at an angry mob in a defensive maneuver Saturday night? Planning a Halloween haunted house that goes a bit...fuurther?
Come along with me then, soldier, and I'll provide you a playlist that should do the trick in almost any foreseeable emergency.
Those among us who are familiar with the Bible will recall that Jesus Christ himself was an active member of the health care community as he traveled about the Holy Land.
It is reported that he practiced within multiple medical specialties, and his works as both an ophthalmologist and a neurologist are recounted within the verses of the Gospels.
But what if Jesus had been practicing medicine in the therapeutic environment we're familiar with today?
In today's conversation we'll be tagging along with Jesus as he takes a few calls at his HMO's Customer Care Center-and by the time we get done you should be able to bring a whole new take to those discussions you've been having about why reform matters.
(We must protect our vital (and refreshing) liquids from those who would deny us. - promoted by boadicea)
WASHINGTON (FNS) - In a startling development related to the recent disruptions of town hall meetings, FNS is now able to confirm that the Obama Administration, with the assistance of Unilever Group and Queen Beatrix, both of the Netherlands, PepsiCo, Skull And Bones, and the Bilderberg Group, is unleashing a secret plot to dispatch fleets of unmarked aircraft and helicopters to prevent teabag protesters from having access to teabags.
The goal of the plot: to disrupt protesters' plans to save America from the destruction of our health care system.
FNS reporters have been following a trail of information that includes airport noise abatement records, classified documents, and the testimony of insiders, some of whom are now willing to be publicly identified.
We'll begin our story by reporting on three events that occurred the evening of Friday, August 8th.
It has been quite some time, Gentle Reader, since we addressed the issue of political robot design, but recent events have forced us to return to the subject once again.
As you undoubtedly are aware, three high profile 'bots from Robotican™ Labs have recently experienced major failures.
It was originally thought that the problems were isolated to the Robotican™.1 Congressional Series of Devices...but it is now known that the failures also extend to the.2 Gubernatorial Series as well.
In today's story we will examine what is known about these failures, how they may impact other devices in Political Service, and what solutions might be available to address these issues.
Washington, D.C. (FNN)-In a move some are describing as a "news dump" timed to coincide with the attention being paid to President Obama's foreign trip, the Justice Department announced the Administration's plans to introduce legislation to legalize and regulate the manufacture, sales, possession, and use of what are today legally known as Schedule I drugs.
Additionally, Schedule II through Schedule V drugs will be made available to adult members of the public at their request, with a doctor's prescription no longer being required before such drugs can be dispensed.
The drugs being "legalized" through this legislation would include marijuana, LSD, heroin, cocaine, and ecstasy; also included will be all pharmaceutical drugs currently under restricted distribution: among those are Xanax, OxyContin, and Viagra.
There are but three days to go, Gentle Reader, and the McCain campaign is now down to fear and Joe The Plumber.
Those who seek to spread The Fear are resorting to fantastic schemes and amazing leaps of logic in an effort to find something to make The Fear rise in voters.
But to be honest, the crazy speculation lacks...imagination.
I believe I can present crazy speculation that is at least as interesting as what they've put out-and funnier to boot-and with that and the Halloween just past in mind we present the final weekend edition of the 2008 campaign cycle's blogging.
So, ya wanna hear a few debunked made up rumors that, frankly, have a lot more creative style?
Dad-I apologize how much you won't like the things I say here, but come one, you gotta admit she's not the sharpest ice pick in the igloo. (you like that folks? see I can pull a Palin and give a well placed shout out at any time too!)
Since you may not know me well, I will let you know that politics is a spectator sport for my family so all of us, in the room, online and via text have been eating this up tonight.
(Bottoms Up, y'all. Watch your livers. - promoted by boadicea)
Well, it is easy to tell it's September.
BBQ smoke hangs thickly in the air, the rain is getting cooler than it usually is in the summertime, and the Mariners are securely in last place.
And it is also time to return to school. For the new voter about to enter (or return to) College, all the crazy living can make you forget about important things, like...oh, I don't know...maybe an election or two.
To make sure this does not happen I'm going to put College and Politics together to create this year's first...wait for it...synchronized Sarah Palin drinking game.
So start pairing up your shotglasses, find the Scotch tape, and when you get back I'll tell you how it works.
The Call went out a little more than 2 weeks ago from Stuart Shepard director of Focus Action, the political arm of Focus on Family, to pray for 'a rain of biblical proportions' during Obama's acceptance tonight at Invesco Field.
They certainly would have been crowing tonight if there had even been a sprinkle about the power of prayer and a sign from above. As it is, they pulled the video from youtube and pretend like it never happened.
Word to the wingnuts, if you are going to petition the lord with prayer, don't pretend like it never happened when God says, "NO!"
